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Mentoring: What is It and How do we Get There?

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Mentoring Part V: Concluding Thoughts

This series has focused on mentoring, what it is and how we go about finding this kind of relationship. The focus has remained on how we can prepare ourselves to establish a good relationship with positive outcomes for both mentor and mentee. Our Christian faith reminds us that Jesus is our ultimate mentor. However, we really benefit from the guidance we receive from those in our physical world who may have more experience than we do in certain areas. This includes our academic, personal, and vocational lives as well as our walk of discipleship.

I gave a couple of examples of mentoring relationships found in scripture including Moses and Joshua and Paul and Barnabas. There are many others we could add to this list but the point is that the relationships these people had went beyond friendship and simple working relationships. They were bonded together through a common cause and intent on learning from each other as they shared their lives together.

Creating a Positive Climate

There are a few things that we have explored about how we can begin and succeed in a mentoring relationship. Much of this begins with us, the mentee. We need to come to the relationship with a sense of positivity and humility. The humility side of this comes easily to most of us as we may feel unworthy to even ask someone to be our mentor. While being humble means being willing to accept constructive criticism, it in no way should have us doubting our personal worth. We are more than worthy of good relationships and we must retain positivity about who we are and how and why we are called to study, teach or research. It is very important for us and the mentoring relationship to keep a positive outlook on our rapport with the mentor and how we can learn and grow from it.

Let’s think for a minute about some ways to create a positive climate for both ourselves and our mentors. What are some positives that we bring to our academic career or profession? How do those strengths help us in those environments? What are the positive characteristics you might be looking for from a mentor? It is also helpful to think positively about asking someone to be our mentor. Thinking that that person will probably say no can be self-defeating, leading us to doubt our self-worth. As mentioned in previous posts, approaching a mentor can be a little intimidating. None of us likes rejection. A positive outlook about what we need and why we are seeking a mentor will help us deal with the negative self-talk that often creeps into our thoughts. Remember, we are worthy of a relationship with Christ!

Communication!

In my previous posts I spoke a lot about the importance of good communication. It seems pretty basic, but it really is that central for a thriving mentorship. We can all think of situations when communication, or the lack thereof, has caused problems! Being articulate about what we need and how to connect well with us sets the stage for a good working relationship. This is important for the connections we form with our mentors whether they are formal or informal, long or short term. If a mentor is someone who you already have a rapport with, communication may be fairly easy as you both know what to expect from the other. If it is someone you have not worked with before, it will take time to build the trust. And building trust is based in good communication.

I also spoke about the importance of setting some expectations and boundaries. This begins with open communication at the onset of the relationship and will no doubt continue as various situations arise. If you are having difficulty receiving feedback or the feedback feels overly hostile or critical, it is essential to communicate how you feel and establish some ground rules. This does not mean we disrespect our mentor; in fact, they may not even be aware that their comments affected you as they did. It’s not always easy to set those expectations, but good open communication really is foundational for the mentorship to grow and be beneficial for both parties. There really is no substitute for good communication, even if it is difficult.

Self-Awareness

Another subject I touched on is the importance of being self-aware. This includes knowing our gifts (including spiritual gifts), our strengths and our weaknesses. Some of us are great at managing fine details and others are much better at seeing the whole picture. This is just one example, but you get the idea! Understanding our limitations is important for communication within the mentoring relationship. Recognizing both our strengths and our challenges will allow us to be transparent with our mentors about where we may need some additional guidance. Our mentors may even be able to help us identify and understand strengths that we didn’t know we had as well as difficulties and how to work around them.

Self-awareness also includes an awareness of what kinds of things are emotional triggers for us. Certain situations or personality traits in others may set off something within us that we may or may not be aware of. It is important for us to be able to identify our sensitivity to things that may trigger an emotional response. One way to address this is ask ourselves, why am I reacting like this? There are a lot of reasons for our emotional responses. Sometimes it is just the stress of everyday life. However, if there are more serious reactions, we may want to spend some time with a professional counselor to explore those areas. Our mentors may help to guide us, but unless they are licensed for counseling practice, they are not a substitute for a licensed professional. There is no shame in working with a licensed counselor if we have emotional triggers and mental health concerns. This is also an important piece of self-awareness, which can help us get the most out of our mentoring relationship.

Conclusion

This five-part series has provided a brief overview of some ideas about how we can be prepared for a positive and successful mentoring relationship. We often spend a lot of time thinking about who we would like to be our mentor. We consider things like personality, time commitment and how a mentor might be able to help us during this season of our lives. Yet we also need to consider how we can be a good mentee. Some of the highlights from this series are to be specific about what we need and respectful of the mentor’s time. Being positive about ourselves and how the relationship will progress also helps us to be successful. Our self-awareness guides us through difficult conversations, which may include moving on from working with a mentor. And of course, communication is key. This is true for all of our relationships, but even more so for a mentoring interaction. Jesus’s humility and strength not only serves as an example for who we might look to as a mentor, but it also teaches us how to listen and learn from them. No matter what our mentorship looks like, as Christians we are reminded that Jesus is our ultimate mentor.

This is Part Five in a series on mentoring. Here are the links for Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.

Resources

Anderson, Keith and Randy Reese. Spiritual Mentoring A Guide for Seeking and Giving Direction. Grand Rapids, MI: InterVarsity Press, 1999.

Calhoun, Adele Ahlberg, “Share My Life With Others: Mentoring” in Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices That Transform Us. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2005: p. 141.

Cordiero, Wayne. The Divine Mentor. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 2008.

Scazzero, Peter. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.

Zachary, Lois J. and Lory A. Fischler. The Mentee’s Guide: Making Mentoring Work for You. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2009.

Website Resources*

Author Services: Support for Taylor & Francis Authors. (2023, February 3). Academic mentoring for researchers: What is it and how does it work?. Author Services. https://authorservices.taylorandfrancis.com/blog/mentoring-support/academic-mentoring-for-researchers/

Broekhuizen, R. (2021, August 16). How to be a true mentor in Christ. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/church/how-to-be-a-tru-mentor-in-christ/

Campbell, S. & MacTaggart, R. (2020, August 24). 10 quick ideas for becoming a more effective mentee. EDUCAUSE Review. https://er.educause.edu/blogs/2020/8/10-quick-ideas-for-becoming-a-more-effective-mentee

*These are only a couple of examples of the information available on the internet.

Mentoring: What is It and How do we Get There?

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Mentoring Part IV: What if it doesn’t work out?

So far in this series our focus has been on identifying what mentoring is and how to go about getting started. Part III explored some things that the mentee might do to prepare for the relationship and some of the personal formation that may be needed. These are important points to consider as we often look for mentors to suit our needs without considering how we can respect our mentor and the time they have graciously agreed to spend with us.

I used the relationship between Moses and Joshua to illustrate some of the initial points about a bond between two leaders as they worked together to fulfill God’s purposes for his people. From their story we see the transfer of leadership take place, which seemed to complete the mentoring relationship between the two. While no relationship is perfect, it seems as though these leaders were able to work through difficulties to reach their common goal. We can learn a lot about mentoring and leadership transition from these two, but what do we do when the relationship we had hoped for does not go as we had planned?

When is it time to move on?

Deciding to end a mentoring relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, there may be some very good reasons to move on. As I have said before, mentoring relationships can be formal or informal and can be short-term for a specific purpose or a life-long connection. We often have seasons in our lives where it is helpful to have a mentor to come along side us as we navigate a particular situation. We may decide to end a mentoring relationship when we have reached the goals we had in mind when it began. The conclusion might be initiated either by the mentee or the mentor. A mentee or mentor may feel as if the guidance that has been given has reached its limit. While the relationship is still positive it may end or move into a different role such as friend or colleague.

But what happens if the relationship is not going well? This is where honest and open communication is essential between mentee and mentor. At first there may be a great connection but as the association progresses, different points of view arise, maybe even conflict over certain issues. We do not have to have mentors who agree with us on everything; in fact different viewpoints can challenge us to grow. However, if there are significant differences that end in conflict, arguments, or unhealthy comments and feedback, it may be time to move on. These situations are not easy, but self-care and self-awareness are essential for the mentoring relationship to remain positive.

As I discussed in Part III of this series, part of a mentoring relationship includes being specific about what we need from our mentors. This may also include being clear about our expectations and reasons for working with our mentor. The more we define what we are looking for up front, the more likelihood that the mentorship will succeed and even thrive. It may also be helpful to set a time limit for how long you are looking to work with your mentor. Setting a specific period of time will help the mentor decide if they can commit to the request or not. Then both parties have an idea of the expectations and adjust if necessary. When the completion time is reached, the mentee and mentor can renegotiate whether or not to continue.

Trusting your Instincts

Hopefully the mentoring relationship will be positive, and the communication will be honest and open about expectations, time commitments, etc. There may come a time when we start to feel as if working with a mentor is no longer fitting with our goals. It can be unsettling as we become close to our mentors, and we feel obligated to continue with them because they have already done so much for us. This is why setting a timeline for the relationship is helpful. Evaluating the need to continue is an important part of this process. We may be feeling as if the mentor has been a great help, but our needs and goals have shifted. If this happens, it is important first to pray for discernment and then trust our instincts and the wisdom God has given us. Open communication about what you are feeling is important. The mentor may be feeling the same way.

The same thing applies to listening to those we ask to be our mentors. Many of my students say that their mentors feel as if they have nothing to offer and are not sure they could be any help to the student. Trusting our instincts, especially after spending time in prayer will help us to affirm our reasons for wanting to work with the mentor and that they do add value to our journey. The same holds true if at some point we are uncomfortable with the direction of the relationship. As noted, unhealthy comments and feedback that causes conflict is a red flag that it might be time for a change. If the issue can be resolved through prayer and clear communication, it can be part of the growing process. If not, there is no reason to continue. Trust your instincts and the wisdom God gives.   

Positive Takeaways

We often come into relationships with some hesitation. None of us wants to face rejection, especially if we were hoping to work with someone and it doesn’t work out as we had planned. When a mentor either declines our request or decides they can no longer work with us it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have failed in some way. We don’t like conflict and hope to avoid any uncomfortable circumstances that may come up from parting ways with a mentor. Again, we will need to be honest with ourselves about why we are feeling that it’s time to move on from a mentoring relationship. It may end in a way that we did not expect or hoped for however, we need to accentuate the positive things we have gained from the relationship.

Another mentoring relationship comes to mind from the New Testament in the story of the apostle Paul and his trusted friend Barnabas. All went well in the beginning. In fact Barnabas was instrumental in introducing Paul the disciples and the early Christian community (Acts 9). They traveled together teaching new believers about Christ and there seems to have been a mentoring relationship taking place for both. But then something happened, and it all fell apart. Acts 15:39 says that their disagreement was so sharp that they parted company going on to minister in different places. We then read in 1 Corinthians and Colossians that they later reconciled with each other.

While it was no doubt unpleasant for all involved, each one had learned so much from their time together and were able to continue in ministry. They may not have been able to continue working together, but their respect for each other remained. The same thing may happen in our mentoring relationships. Whether it’s a mutual agreement or and abrupt ending for either the mentee or mentor, it is important to look for the positives we gleaned from the time spent together. What did we learn about conflict? How did we communicate in the relationship, and could we have been clearer about what we needed? What did we learn about the other that increased our level of respect for them? Ending a mentoring relationship may be difficult, but we can learn from what we experienced and eventually see it as a positive.

Conclusion

There may be times when we find it necessary to step away from a mentoring relationship. Hopefully it is amicable for both parties involved. Sometimes we may need to give permission to a mentor who is having difficulty finding time to spend with us. The reasons that these relationships don’t work out are varied including deep differences in personalities, theological perspectives, or unrealistic expectations. No matter why it doesn’t work out, communicating clearly with your mentor about what you are feeling is always important. If it does end in parting ways, try to focus on the positive things you have learned and continue to pray for God’s discernment and wisdom.

This is Part Four in a series on mentoring. Here is the link for Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.

Mentoring: What is It and How do we Get There?

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Mentoring Part III: How to Prepare as a Good Mentee

The idea of mentoring has been in place since biblical times, and we have explored the relationship between Moses and Joshua as they prepared to transfer leadership of the nation of Israel. We can safely assume that Joshua spent some significant time with Moses observing and learning from him as he faced the many challenges of leading a fledgling nation. The mentoring relationship was not entirely dependent on the older, more experienced person. There were areas that Joshua no doubt needed to address in his own life in preparation for what lie ahead.

From this example, we see in Exodus and Numbers that Joshua was Moses’s aide. He listened to instruction and trusted the relationship that Moses had with God, so much so that Moses took him along when he went to the mountain to meet with God and receive the tablets of the Law (Ex. 24:12-14). While Joshua listened well to the instructions of his mentor, he was also willing to hear a word of correction (Ex. 11:26-29). What does this say about the nature of the mentor-mentee relationship? Even more important, how does Joshua’s story serve as an example of how to be a good mentee?

Personal Formation

We can glean a few things from this story as we prepare to be a good mentee. Coming into a mentoring relationship we must be willing to put our personal agenda aside and recognize that our mentor has more experience than we do. Our relationship with them is built on trust and a willingness to learn. We must also be able to accept constructive criticism realizing that while we may have good intentions, there are still things we need to learn. This does not mean that we accept criticism that is not grounded in our growth and development. Demeaning comments are not only hurtful, but they also damage the relationship making it difficult to work together.

We need to be comfortable enough in the relationship with our mentor to speak up if we feel that criticism has crossed the line of our personal boundaries. Part of the trust built in a mentoring relationship includes being confident in who we are and what we know. Yes, we are learning from our mentors, however that does not mean we do not bring valuable knowledge and insights into the conversation. This is important no matter what type of institution we may be part of. As Christians we may need to do some spiritual formation work so that we remain grounded in who we are in Christ using that as a way of identifying healthy relationships and what things, if any, might be negative triggers that arise.

Be Specific

Being specific is an important piece that I often find difficult for new mentees to practice, and something I struggled with as well in my own early work with my mentors. As we have noted in previous posts, it is sometimes difficult to clearly identify what a mentoring relationship looks like or what it is. There is a level of uncertainty about it. What are we supposed to do? What are we looking for or expecting from our mentor? Is there an area in my personal, academic, or vocational life that we need to focus on? These are just a few questions to think about when preparing to approach a mentor. These will no doubt continue as the relationship moves forward.

Writing out some well-defined goals that you are working towards will help clarify direction. Then adding some specific areas where your mentor may be able to assist you will help their understanding of what you need. This is a great way to start a conversation with a potential mentor as you have some definite ideas about where your gaps of knowledge are and how they may be able to help you in that area. Once you establish rapport with a mentor the specifics that need addressed will most likely change from one meeting to the next as the conversations continue around your ideas and goals.

Be Respectful by Being Prepared

I am sure we have all sat through meetings thinking things like, “why am I here or what’s the point” and then coming away with the thought, “that was a total waste of my time!” Time is a precious commodity for all of us. Meetings with no clear agenda or specific direction soon become pointless and frustrating for all involved. What we don’t want to do is waste the precious time we have with a mentor. Being prepared for a meeting is about respecting that time for both parties involved. And being specific about what is needed from the relationship and the mentor will help us stay on track and spend the time together wisely.

Hopefully the relationship with a mentor is good-natured and easy going. This makes it even more important to have some idea of what needs to be discussed during the time together as it is easy to get caught up in good conversation and lose track of the purpose. This is not a bad thing as there is mentoring taking place even in casual conversations. However, meetings that have no real purpose or try to cover too much content at one time may lead to frustrations on both sides of the relationship. Whether the mentor meetings are informal or formal, in a coffee shop, online, or an office, being prepared shows respect for not only the mentor’s time but keeps the conversation on track. Be prepared with specifics – even if it’s only one question or topic.

Managing Expectations

As we have been discussing, mentoring is grounded in relationship. Because we are human, we know that no relationship is ever perfect. Part of entering this kind of association includes managing expectations from the beginning. Mentees are often fearful of asking someone to mentor them because they do not want to face rejection. The reality is that our first choice of a mentor may decline. That is not a personal slight, but rather it may just not work for the mentor’s schedule, time commitment, or their realization that they may not be the right fit at this time. While we do not approach a mentor expecting them to say no, it’s important to remain open to the idea that it may not work out, at least not at this time. It may even open a conversation with them about who they might suggest as someone who would be more suited for what is needed.

While mentors serve as important role models, neither party should be expecting the mentee to fit into the mold or become a carbon copy of the mentor. Part of managing expectations is allowing the spirit of God to continue to guide the relationship. Mentors may be part of our lives for a short time or may become life-long friends and colleagues. Another expectation to be aware of is the limits of our mentors. They are people who have knowledge and expertise in a specific area, however they may not be equipped for or desire a counseling-type relationship. Setting appropriate expectations for time, content and ability sets healthy boundaries for all involved. 

Conclusion

When we think about working with a mentor, so much of our attention is focused on finding the right fit for us. Of course, we need to recognize our need and discern who might be able to help us with those areas, especially in our academic or vocational lives. But a very important part of that relationship is what we bring to the relationship. How have we prepared to be a mentee? Do we realize our own personality quirks that will need to be addressed so that the relationship remains positive? Have we really thought through how the mentor we are considering will be able to speak into our specific areas? Do we need to brush up on being prepared with good questions or conversation topics? These questions help us to manage our expectations and realize that open communication in the relationship is the responsibility of both parties. Our Christian faith reminds us that we are always to remain pliable, first to the image and likeness of Christ and then to those whom God has placed in our lives as trusted guides to help us on our journey to become what God has intended for us.  

This is Part Three in a series on mentoring. Here is the link for Part One and Part Two.

Position Available: Research Assistance for Lifespan Development Textbook

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Joyce Tang Boyland, an ESN Member, has shared the following short term position posting. If you are looking for some additional work, experience, and income this summer, this may be a good opportunity for you:

Seeking developmental psychology research assistant. An ESN faculty member is under contract to write a lifespan development textbook on a short timeline and has been given $1500 towards research assistance. The funds can all go to one person or be divided between several people with different specialisations. $20/hour, approximately 5 hours per week, 15 weeks, potentially extendable upon mutual agreement

Please apply at the following link: https://forms.gle/emSs4pzfMpGG9wAT8

Mentoring: What is It and How do we Get There?

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Mentoring Part II: Where Do I Begin?

Where To Begin?

As I noted in the last post, it is difficult for us to explain or define mentoring, but we often know it when we see it. Mentoring relationships can be formal or informal and they can happen organically or intentionally. Either way it’s a relationship that may have stages focused on “personal, spiritual and emotional development [where] character formation takes center stage.”[1] In the last post I gave the example of the relationship between Moses and Joshua as they prepared to transfer the leadership of God’s people. While we may not have specifics of their relationship we can see the development taking place throughout their story beginning in Exodus.

We do not have any real sense of how Joshua responded to Moses, except that he was obedient to God’s appointed leader. However, as the relationship continued to grow we do see Joshua developing as the next leader of Israel. So, what does that say to us when we think about our own development emotionally, spiritually, academically and vocationally? Where do we begin to find this kind of relationship? In my graduate classes, students have struggled with these questions around the idea of mentoring. Not knowing exactly what a mentoring relationship is supposed to look like causes some anxiety about how to even begin. This week we will consider some important things that a mentee can do to prepare for a mentoring relationship. There is a certain amount of work we need to do in ourselves before moving forward.

Identifying What You Need

One of the problems I often find with students is that they are not clear on what they want or need from their mentors or a mentoring relationship. Before we can approach someone about being a mentor, we need to identify just what exactly we are asking. A simple question we can begin with is, “what am I looking for?” A related question is, “in what areas do I feel I am lacking?” In what places do we simply need someone to come along side us and show us the ropes? We may not have been on this journey before, so we need someone to help us find the path that is best suited for us.

It might be helpful to write down a short list of ideas or areas where you could use some guidance. This could include things like finding guidance in syllabus and/or lesson preparation, how to deal with difficult classroom situations or understanding the cultural atmosphere of our college or university. This may also include how to navigate the culture of a secular campus from a Christian perspective.

As I mentioned in my previous post, mentors may serve different roles at different times in our lives and careers. So identifying what we are looking for as specifically as possible lays the foundation for the mentoring relationship. At this point we may feel a little overwhelmed by our list of needs, which is very normal. The important thing here is to prioritize and focus on one or two at a time. This will be a big help for your mentor as well.

How to Find Someone Who Fits

After we have identified some areas where we could use some guidance, the next step is to find someone who not only fits that role but is willing to commit to spending time with us. This is another area that often causes angst as we can think of people we would love to work with, yet we are afraid to ask. We assume they will not have time for us or that we are bothering them with our questions. No matter in what area we are looking for a mentor’s help, as Christians we need to begin with prayer. Be honest with God about the need and the negative thoughts we may be having and ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance in who might be the best fit at this time. As those names come to mind, jot them down and ask God for discernment.

Another area to consider is personality. It seems obvious that working with a mentor will require a level of compatibility. We need to be very self-aware and honest about our own strengths and weaknesses. A mentor who really clashes with our personality type will be difficult to approach and work with. This does not mean that mentor and mentee must agree on everything. Remember this relationship is about growth and development. A mentor with a different personality type can help us to see areas where we may have blind spots or need some additional growth.

As mentioned, mentors are there to help us fill in the gaps and help us grow. Make sure that you are not expecting guidance from your mentor in an area they know nothing about or would be unwilling to explore with you. We would not ask an auto mechanic to clean our teeth! Pay attention to the mentor’s background and expertise. A good fit in a mentor relationship will include common interests, compatibility as well as accountability.

Normal Anxieties About Approaching a Mentor

Once we have recognized our needs, prayed over the decision, and identified someone who we believe is a potential mentor, we need to ask. That’s the scary part, isn’t it? Many of the students I have worked with express some level of anxiety about actually asking someone to be their mentor. I have had the same feelings when I was required to work with a mentor. I believe that anxiety is based in our fear of rejection. This is very normal, but something we do need to address.

Opening a conversation about a mentoring relationship can be difficult. This is why it is important to be specific about what you need and what you are looking for in the relationship. It is also important to have an idea of how much time that will be required. Are we looking to meet once a week or once a month? How long are the meetings and what will be the duration; will we be meeting, for weeks, months, years? Again, thinking about all of this can make us feel like no one would agree to work with us! But remember, you are looking for a trusted guide, not someone who has all the answers to all of life’s questions!

Do not be discouraged if the first person you ask does not feel as if they can commit to the time needed. The timing may not be right, and they may be willing to work with you at some point in the future. If they cannot be a mentor at this time, they may have someone they can suggest.

Conclusion

This is just the beginning of thinking through how to find a mentor. It may feel daunting and scary to approach someone you admire to ask for their time and expertise. Most of the time I have found that mentors are happy to engage with me or the students I have worked with. They are happy to share their knowledge and the ups and downs of their journey. While the mentor-mentee relationship has to do with gaining insight and knowledge, it does not mean that the mentor is superior. Yes, they may have more experience or a higher degree, but the relationship is built on trust and mutual admiration from the beginning. This will set the stage for a successful mentoring connection.

[1] Martin Sanders. The Power of Mentoring: Shaping People Who Will Shape the World. (Camp Hill PA: Christian Publications, Inc, 2004). 2.

This is Part Two in a series on mentoring. Here is the link for Part One.