Mentoring Part III: How to Prepare as a Good Mentee

The idea of mentoring has been in place since biblical times, and we have explored the relationship between Moses and Joshua as they prepared to transfer leadership of the nation of Israel. We can safely assume that Joshua spent some significant time with Moses observing and learning from him as he faced the many challenges of leading a fledgling nation. The mentoring relationship was not entirely dependent on the older, more experienced person. There were areas that Joshua no doubt needed to address in his own life in preparation for what lie ahead.

From this example, we see in Exodus and Numbers that Joshua was Moses’s aide. He listened to instruction and trusted the relationship that Moses had with God, so much so that Moses took him along when he went to the mountain to meet with God and receive the tablets of the Law (Ex. 24:12-14). While Joshua listened well to the instructions of his mentor, he was also willing to hear a word of correction (Ex. 11:26-29). What does this say about the nature of the mentor-mentee relationship? Even more important, how does Joshua’s story serve as an example of how to be a good mentee?

Personal Formation

We can glean a few things from this story as we prepare to be a good mentee. Coming into a mentoring relationship we must be willing to put our personal agenda aside and recognize that our mentor has more experience than we do. Our relationship with them is built on trust and a willingness to learn. We must also be able to accept constructive criticism realizing that while we may have good intentions, there are still things we need to learn. This does not mean that we accept criticism that is not grounded in our growth and development. Demeaning comments are not only hurtful, but they also damage the relationship making it difficult to work together.

We need to be comfortable enough in the relationship with our mentor to speak up if we feel that criticism has crossed the line of our personal boundaries. Part of the trust built in a mentoring relationship includes being confident in who we are and what we know. Yes, we are learning from our mentors, however that does not mean we do not bring valuable knowledge and insights into the conversation. This is important no matter what type of institution we may be part of. As Christians we may need to do some spiritual formation work so that we remain grounded in who we are in Christ using that as a way of identifying healthy relationships and what things, if any, might be negative triggers that arise.

Be Specific

Being specific is an important piece that I often find difficult for new mentees to practice, and something I struggled with as well in my own early work with my mentors. As we have noted in previous posts, it is sometimes difficult to clearly identify what a mentoring relationship looks like or what it is. There is a level of uncertainty about it. What are we supposed to do? What are we looking for or expecting from our mentor? Is there an area in my personal, academic, or vocational life that we need to focus on? These are just a few questions to think about when preparing to approach a mentor. These will no doubt continue as the relationship moves forward.

Writing out some well-defined goals that you are working towards will help clarify direction. Then adding some specific areas where your mentor may be able to assist you will help their understanding of what you need. This is a great way to start a conversation with a potential mentor as you have some definite ideas about where your gaps of knowledge are and how they may be able to help you in that area. Once you establish rapport with a mentor the specifics that need addressed will most likely change from one meeting to the next as the conversations continue around your ideas and goals.

Be Respectful by Being Prepared

I am sure we have all sat through meetings thinking things like, “why am I here or what’s the point” and then coming away with the thought, “that was a total waste of my time!” Time is a precious commodity for all of us. Meetings with no clear agenda or specific direction soon become pointless and frustrating for all involved. What we don’t want to do is waste the precious time we have with a mentor. Being prepared for a meeting is about respecting that time for both parties involved. And being specific about what is needed from the relationship and the mentor will help us stay on track and spend the time together wisely.

Hopefully the relationship with a mentor is good-natured and easy going. This makes it even more important to have some idea of what needs to be discussed during the time together as it is easy to get caught up in good conversation and lose track of the purpose. This is not a bad thing as there is mentoring taking place even in casual conversations. However, meetings that have no real purpose or try to cover too much content at one time may lead to frustrations on both sides of the relationship. Whether the mentor meetings are informal or formal, in a coffee shop, online, or an office, being prepared shows respect for not only the mentor’s time but keeps the conversation on track. Be prepared with specifics – even if it’s only one question or topic.

Managing Expectations

As we have been discussing, mentoring is grounded in relationship. Because we are human, we know that no relationship is ever perfect. Part of entering this kind of association includes managing expectations from the beginning. Mentees are often fearful of asking someone to mentor them because they do not want to face rejection. The reality is that our first choice of a mentor may decline. That is not a personal slight, but rather it may just not work for the mentor’s schedule, time commitment, or their realization that they may not be the right fit at this time. While we do not approach a mentor expecting them to say no, it’s important to remain open to the idea that it may not work out, at least not at this time. It may even open a conversation with them about who they might suggest as someone who would be more suited for what is needed.

While mentors serve as important role models, neither party should be expecting the mentee to fit into the mold or become a carbon copy of the mentor. Part of managing expectations is allowing the spirit of God to continue to guide the relationship. Mentors may be part of our lives for a short time or may become life-long friends and colleagues. Another expectation to be aware of is the limits of our mentors. They are people who have knowledge and expertise in a specific area, however they may not be equipped for or desire a counseling-type relationship. Setting appropriate expectations for time, content and ability sets healthy boundaries for all involved. 

Conclusion

When we think about working with a mentor, so much of our attention is focused on finding the right fit for us. Of course, we need to recognize our need and discern who might be able to help us with those areas, especially in our academic or vocational lives. But a very important part of that relationship is what we bring to the relationship. How have we prepared to be a mentee? Do we realize our own personality quirks that will need to be addressed so that the relationship remains positive? Have we really thought through how the mentor we are considering will be able to speak into our specific areas? Do we need to brush up on being prepared with good questions or conversation topics? These questions help us to manage our expectations and realize that open communication in the relationship is the responsibility of both parties. Our Christian faith reminds us that we are always to remain pliable, first to the image and likeness of Christ and then to those whom God has placed in our lives as trusted guides to help us on our journey to become what God has intended for us.  

This is Part Three in a series on mentoring. Here is the link for Part One and Part Two.