Over the past year there have been more than 3800 attacks against Asian American and Pacific Islands people in the United States. Rallies protesting recent racist attacks have taken place in many cities. Kaylyn Brown performed this spoken word poetry at a rally in the Baltimore area. We thank her for sharing the text of that work with the Emerging Scholars Network.
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sometimes I feel like I can’t weigh in
on what it’s really like to be Asian
even though the world sees my face and
assumes the environment I was raised in
but decisions out of my control
took me from my home
land and led me to
unknown hands
who would become my family
but my background doesn’t matter
the same questions have been asked for
my whole life
where are you really from?
do you speak the mother tongue?
wait how old are you, you look so young!
it all stung
but
the ones
that really hurt
were
the explicit words
hurled
as my body was
subject to lingering eyes
fetishized
as if acquiring me is a prize
to be won with smooth lines
i try
to hurry by
and say I don’t have time
to stop and allow your gaze
to drink up any more of my face
but I know they’ve already gotten what they wanted
i’m haunted by my fears
that I’ll be hunted by their leers
and gutted for years and years
that I’ll always be inferior
because of how they perceive my exterior
I want to fight back & be bold
the hate weighs on my soul
but I’m told
to slow my roll
don’t make it worse
just live under the curse
of the model minority myth
that tells me to sit
down
push my feelings down
don’t make too much sound
and maybe soon
the racism will just dissipate
but every new day
there is more trauma uncovered
more elders who suffer
more systemic inequalities discovered
more supposed allies who hide under
performative posts
that promote
asian voices
but still center their own choices
just exploiting
our stories for their gain
only to be old news the next day
while pain is continuously thrown in our face
it’s exhausting to live this way
but we’d be lying if we didn’t say
we do the same
and worse – we do it in Jesus’ name
we stay
quiet for the sake of unity
and end up just keeping to our own communities
because over there, they do things differently
their interpretations are wrong
they sing different songs
we say “they don’t belong,
go back to where you came from”
aren’t we also participants
in these hateful chants
we’ve said and thought horrible things against
while expecting them to come to our defense
if we really want to be unified
we need to step over dividing lines
even if it means we lose our lives
because isn’t that what Christ
Jesus
did for us?
tore down walls of hostility
for you and me
to experience solidarity
my humanity
is tied to yours
i don’t want liberation if it’s just for
me
we’re all meant to be free
today we’re calling to stop Asian hate
but we can’t stop with that statement
we can’t get complacent
until the next headline of racism
calls us out of activist hibernation
Church – are we in this for the long haul?
will we stand firm and steady in the call
to seek justice and dignity for all?
Kaylyn is a Korean-American transracial adoptee, living in Baltimore, MD with her husband and two children. She writes at the intersection of faith, justice, and identity. She works for InterVarsity as a Project Manager, as well as for her local church.
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